Dear Amy: My daughter is a single mother of two children, ages 7 and 5.

She and the children have lived with me for all but a few months of the eldest child’s life. We have a nice little household and get along very well. My daughter is the primary parent and I’ve always respected that. I’m here to help. We talk things through, but she makes ultimate decisions regarding her children.

She has been dating “Brian,” for about a year, and they are talking about marriage. The problem is that he is pushing back regarding the children. He believes he should have the power to make parenting decisions and to discipline him.

I disagree with this approach, but I have not weighed in at all.

I’m wondering what you think.

– Gram

Dear Gram: Stepparents integrate best into a new family by taking it slowly and developing trusting and affectionate friendships with the children.

The stepparent role (certainly at the beginning) is to support the primary parent.

In my own life as a stepparent, I think of this as “holding hands” with my spouse through challenges. (This sounds very much like the role you’ve assumed in your household.)

In my opinion, it is a red flag for a prospective spouse to approach the stepparent role with discipline on his mind – and on the table.

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.